Matt sat on the mat, Matt.

Matt Smith,

I wish, Matt Smith, that I had as clever a nickname for you as you seem to have for me. Of course, then I realize that I indirectly gave you that ingenious nickname. You typed it, I questioned it, and I put it to use. (Oh, the cleverness of me.)
Also, I have trouble explaining different stories to people. Sometimes, I'll tell a Matt Smith story -- like the time you did that thing that was so funny and we all laughed -- and people will go, "Oh, that Matt Dunegan! He's so funny!" And then I'll have to tell them, "No, Matt is my boyfriend. Matt was the one who did that funny thing that made us all laugh. Matt did that other thing that was funny that I told you about the other day." And then they'll say, "Wait. I thought you said that Matt did that funny thing." And I'll get frustrated and say, "No, that's Matt. He did that OTHER funny thing. Matt's my friend. MATT is my boyfriend." And then their brain will explode.
So you can see the trouble it's causing, I'm sure. In case you're wondering, yes, I have considered using both of the Matts' last names, but I'm trying to be more efficient in my speech. There are far too many syllables to consider. That option is right out.
Therefore, I've started to consider some possibilities for your nickname. "MS" was an option -- I mean, they're your initials. But then, MS is also a life-altering condition. And really, who wants a nickname with no vowels? (Besides the Polish. They have no need for vowels except to spell Poland. Does Poland still exist? I never had geography in school. What am I saying? I'm out of school, and I shouldn't have to know whether or not Poland still exists. If Poland exists, so be it. The vowel comment still stands.)

The other options are as follows:
1) Matterooni - Like "macaroni" crossed with Mickey Rooney, so it'd be noodles that sang and danced and were shaped like elbows.
2) Smithsonian - I like to think of you as a huge, information-filled museum. You've got a lot of funny stuff in that brain of yours. As my dear Matt Dunegan would say, though, "Alas, alack, Alanis Morrisette!" That name is already taken. No matter what nickname I choose for you, though, I can still call you this one in secret though. I'll just say it to myself. So when I address you with your new nickname (whatever that ends up being), that silly grin on my face is really just me saying silently, "Oh that Smithsonian. He's so clever. And really, how clever am I to have gotten away with using the name Smithsonian without the officials knowing. I am so clever. Oh, the cleverness of me."
3) Math - Matt + Smith = "Math." It's ingenious.
4) Smatt - If you were to file something under your name, you'd file it under "Smith, Matt." Smith + Matt = "Smatt." Again, ingenious.
5) Jerry Seinfeld - This one's just obvious. I mean, have you ever gotten a good look at Jerry Seinfeld? He looks and sounds absolutely nothing like you. It's out of left field, no one's expecting it, no one sees it coming. I'd be like, "Hey, Jerry Seinfeld!" And you'd be like, "Hey there, you!" And heads would turn. Sheer brilliance.

After lengthy deliberation, however, I've finally decided on your nickname.

Mat.

It's great, yes? It distinguishes you from my boyfriend, Matt, and you still get all the recognition and distinction and pomp and circumstance that your given name calls for.

I like it, and you should too.

As always,
Meredith