In honor of my forthcoming vacation, here's a little break for you, Matt Smith. And now, as they say, for something completely different:

BRANNENISMS:
A COLLECTION OF QUOTES FROM THE MOUTH OF DR. ANNE BRANNEN

On God:
“Aha! There’s Jesus, lookin’ just like a gardener!”
“Glad I could clear up that theological problem: He’s God.”
“Humans often pretend to be God. It’s never good.”
“While Jesus was harrowing Hell, someone had their cell phone on.”
“That’s logic. ‘Should you chew Jesus’s body?’ No.”
“Isn’t that nice? God is sane. This makes me cheerful.”
“God’s very shiny.”

On Lucifer and his demons:
“It has been set up so that they’re actually paying to see the Devil. Which, by the way, they’re not supposed to do.”
“As if it’s [Lucifer’s] idea to fall into Hell…”
“It’s crucial that you like the Little Demons.”
“Sometimes you have long spaces of demonic hilariousness.”
“Demons are especially bad at messing with the audience.”

On being a subtle angel:
“They’re very unsubtle, angels.”
“Whoa. It’s the Marys. Quem quaeritis?”

On unobtrusively holding a palm in your hand:
“I’d like for you all to go home and practice that.”

On the sprinkling of holy water:
“Great. My silks have been blessed.”

On the slaughtering of innocents:
“Lassie! Lassie! The innocents have fallen in a well!”

On interpretations of the Bible:
“And then Herod did taketh his sword, and did try to whack the star from afar.”
“Vatican II? Is that when limbo bit the dust?”
“Religion: According to Me. Why I Don’t Work in the Theology Department.”

On “The Greatest Hits of the Cycle Plays”:
“Gee, I wonder if Basingbone might put on a St. George play this year?”
“They’ve hired a fiddler.”
“What do they do to earn money? They have what are known as ‘church ales,’ which are the equivalent of bake sales… with beer.”
“Woo-hoo! The crucifixion!”
“It’s like… The Three Stooges Crucify Christ.”

On what Noah’s wife could’ve said:
“Oh, did you talk to God today? How’s he doin’?”

On biblical realizations:
“Well, it starts raining. That’s a bad sign.”
“ ‘Cause apparently he’s not a stupid child and has noticed that they have brought no goats.”

On making a pitch to the Red Masquers:
“Castle of Perseverance! You can do this in your backyard!”

On Mary Magdalene:
“She’s a princess… and she has a castle. I love Mary Magdalene.”
“Jesus has died and we have the harrowing of Hell… but we don’t see that… because we’re in Marseilles!”
“And then a priest shows up in the wilderness because… one just does.”
“And so Mary goes to Jerusalem, with her new friend, Lust… and they go to the bar.”
“Mary’s good now… which is nice.”
“She’s preaching… which, as we know, women were not supposed to do… at this time. But it’s okay, because she’s Mary Magdalene, apostola apostolorum, and the star of our show!”
“This is actually the only instance in the history of drama – that I can recall – wherein the audience becomes the ocean.”
“The child is not dead, but apparently will be soon, on account of his being left with a dead woman.”
“Then, caeli gaudent… which you would assume, I guess. I suppose whenever someone gets assumed into heaven caeli gaudent.”

On Herod:
“He’s the guy who can’t control anything.”

On singling people out, whether or not to:
“I would.”

On how to seduce a woman:
“You’re cute. Real cute. I mean, cute.”

On the Middle Ages and humans therein:
“Mercy: The Rin-Tin-Tin of the Medieval World.”
“Oh the horrible Middle Ages! And then the Renaissance came and everything got better… Oh yes. Didn’t it just?”
“They probably called it, ‘That Play With the Little Demons In It.’”
“And what a life it was in the Late Middle Ages!”
“Times like this you could say, ‘The Reformation. Coulda seen it comin’.”

On humans:
“Most of the humans don’t actually think.”
“You’ve been studying Shakespeare. I know this because you’ve been growing up in America. And you’ve been breathing.”
“We are, indeed, paying attention to the stinking dunghills which are our bodies.”
“The truth of the matter is, not all of the humans are happy when they have to sing a Peter, Paul and Mary tune.”
“The humans are not moderate. Even the ones who look kind of quiet.”
“And they all follow the star. And we do, too. ‘Cause we’re human.”
“History tells us that adultery does not usually work out well… But the humans are going, ‘Well… maybe this time…’”
“None of us can ever know what we mean to another person in their heart.”
“I’m really looking forward to not being one anymore.”

On the theatre world, costumes, and props:
“Your wardrobe mistress would kill you with her knitting needles.”
“I mean, you can hit people with your shovel… but… it’s not good in a war.”
“We’ve got space here and a little distance… but we have no fourth wall! Danger!
Danger!”

On spelling and grammar:
“It’s just like the prod… prod… prodig… pro-di-gal… you know… that guy who goes away and then comes back?”
“CHI-VAL-RY”
“ ‘Iwis’ means, ‘really, truly, no kidding.’”
“I spit on spelling. And I don’t play Scrabble.”

On sarcasm, and how it should be used on Dr. Jay Keenan:
“Dryden. We love him. He’s so… deep.”

On 7-year old sons, and what to say when one tells you he wants to be a writer:
“My son understands that there are different levels of discourse.”
“Great. I am so glad.”

On Everyman:
“I’ve become reconciled with Everyman.”
“It’s so nice to be reconciled with to Everyman. I kind of missed it while we were having a fight.”

On the projector screen:
“No, no! You’re a bad thing! I hate you!”

On learning things from characters in plays, whether or not to care for them and what to do if we did:
“What’s wrong with you? Go to therapy! You! Get your pants on!”
“If I learning anything from this play, it’s not to let my wife run around with a priest. Which, in my case, is sort of irrelavent. I mean, there’s something about pies and a candle and a bucket, but it’s not taking me anywhere.”
“If there is anyone there that is connecting with him, he is the most uncomfortable guy there… having the worst time.”

On audiences:
“Because, all of a sudden, we’re sitting in his living room… with nefarious designs upon his coat.”
“You’ve just had a nice little dinner, and you’ve had a play about the wonderfulness of your system.”

On the Medieval and Renaissance Players:
“We stand for inferior drama.”

On Medievalists:
“This is what we Medievalists do. We take the baby and put it in the bathwater, and then we find another baby and put it in, and then another, and another. And then… we take all the babies out and go, ‘We don’t know what happened!’ And then we take the babies later and rehabilitate them.”

On plays, interpretations of:
“It’s as if society’s supposed to be boring.”
“It takes all the ideas of the nobility out to their logical, stupid conclusion.”
“Here is my lesson. I am a Medieval allegory.”

On Anne Brannen:
“This is because I am in no way predictable.”
“You wouldn’t think I’d need a calculator. But… I’ve met me.”
“I’m the non-Barry Manilow alto.”
“I need constant reinforcement on account of the incredible badness of me.”
“I live right next door to Liza Minelli.”

On the classics:
“Oh… too bad for you, Oedipus! Here’s your curse! Ooop! Marryin’ my mother! Thought she was somebody else!”
“Poison in the ear. How often did that happen?”
“Indeed, how can we love somebody else until we go stab someone? That’s why the divorce rate’s so high. There aren’t nearly enough revenge tragedies.”

On things to say to students at Duquesne:
“Late would be, like… later.”
“They put me in a bad room for standing on desks.”
“I need a graduate volunteer and an undergraduate volunteer to administer the Holy Sacred TEQs of Our People.”
“I’m changing the subject… and it was subtle!”
“No! Let’s have a bake sale!”
“What is a piget?”
“That wasn’t funny, was it? I blame SpongeBob.”
“It’s really good to see you. I’m really excited about the part where you’re not dead.”
“Stop writing things down!”

On Joe Barron:
“Our Ignorance was so ignorant.”

On good and bad ideas, the fine line between:
“He was arguing for the Reformation of the Church… Oh well!”
“And then the Bad Angel said, ‘Go and get your son.’ And Mankind did say, ‘Okay. That’s a good idea.’”
“There may have actually been some whips and chains… not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

On Bumper Stickers for England:
“England – We Love It!
“The Queen – Good Stuff!”
“England is an entire field of mud.”

On things not said in the Middle Ages – or ever:
“Gee, I think I’ll sit down and read the Castle of Perseverance!”

On the dead, death, and dying:
“Ay, these are spectacles to please my soul! Grr-eat.”
“… and when they died, which was the fashion then, as it is today…”
“… it makes me want to go kick some dead people.”
“Later on, we’ll be able to see without mirrors… meaning when we’re dead… not, y’know, next week.”
“We care so deeply about [religious issues] that we’re going to slaughter thousands of our countrymen.”

On modern vs. medieval insanity:
“If you run into anybody on the bus going, ‘Ha ha ha ha!’ would you please come let me know?”
“Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem… ‘Out, out, harrow!!!’”

On deep thoughts:
“You don’t know where the edges are unless you can feel them.”